Thursday, October 11, 2007

Over and Out

September '07 - Personal epoch.

Black Coffee- Our college mag.

Telling it straight.

Coming.

Out.

There’s nowt so queer as folk
- Old Yorkshire Saying

The thought holds on. Some do. They scald your mind for good; brands the grey in your head like a piece of hot iron. I believe in the innate goodness of things though, and come to think of it, however unjust the qualms it evokes, the thought is just as well.

When the self wishes to rip off the blinders and get a changed perspective for a change, all one needs to do is run your fingers through that scald, feel the throb of days bygone, tap your fingers in time with the beat of its pulse and breathe in a lungful of life. Watch the world glimmer and blur and glimmer back into focus. The clarity of the sight is overwhelming, almost. And one knows the right thing to do. As simple as that. Coz there is never a right time. No point in kidding oneself on that. The mind sweeps aside the ifs and buts, the could-haves and should-bes and the million other veils hiding the soul. And when the last shroud slips the skin, all that remains is pure sunshine - liquid light pouring through each pore of the self. And I just am!

And the world can call me names – queer, bent, faggot, homo. Tags won’t peter out easy. It’s easy to put back the blinkers on and cop out. But I refrain. I owe it to myself. Ergo, I will shrug away the misgivings as the elaborate act isn’t worth it.

I am gay, out and proud.

The self is split in two, but it’s me, all the same, through and through. It is I – through the moments- hanging out with my straight buddies, whiling away the night over shared fags, toasts over a drink, the road-trips, nodding away to the comments over the new girl on the block, pulling legs over someone’s yet another love, yet another lay.

And it is I – through the moments – living it up with my gay mates, drooling over the new guy around, swapping tales on crushes and boyfriends, romping the streets, planning the next meet, feeling the caress of a partner, making love with him, living shared moments and loving it.

The double life splits the self and the charade keeps building. And when the pain gives way to complacency, the signs should be paid heed to and one should call it a day.

I wish the divide to bridge - fantasize some ancient spell doing the trick. Some pipe dream! And the dime-a-dozen caricatures don’t really help. If anything, it pushes the gear down one notch lower. Tokenisms be damned.

In a lot of ways, the lives of gays and straights are similar. Coz it is the same highs, lows, hopes and fears that drive the average human. But in many other ways, we live so very different lives. Insisting similar lives for similar rights is moot. Why the ginormous rants and raves over the differences? If nothing else, the sheer contrast is reason enough to come together, to connect.

I’ve witnessed plain rancor when a gay friend got beaten up by a couple of homophobes. I’ve seen the whiteness of the sheer warmth that some gay friends share with their accepting straight buddies. The politics of “we gays vs. you straights” entirely fails me. It doesn’t work that way. How you act has got nothing to do with the sexual trait in your genes and has got everything to do with the self within you. My sexuality doesn’t define me anymore than a straight’s does for him. It is a part of me – important - but just a part, nonetheless.

It is one crazy world. And be it straights or gays, there is nothing as queer as us, everyday folk. Coming out unloads its share of extra baggage and the thought ushers in no reprieve.

There would be ones who would clam up on me. And there could be the disappointing sigh of thank-god-i-am-not from the more accepting ones. Some would say that it’s a heavy price to pay. But you don’t balance the books of everyday life that way. At the very least, I wouldn’t have to grin and bear another homophobic joke, pretend to ignore yet another gay slur. Trivial stuff, one might say. But the trivialities add up to something huge. Or cut down to something as simple as feeling comfortable in one’s own skin.

It’s been a long stay in the closet but I’ve finally worked my way out of the dark. As I crack open the door, the sliver of light falling through exorcises the demons within. They say redemption lies in the first rays. I step out and bask in the light. No crystal orbs in sight to do a séance on how things would turn out from now on. But then again, no point in living a moment aforehand.

For now, I will stretch my limbs and feel the cramps easing out. And revel in the welcome warmth. It is golden light everywhere around - plain perfection.

It’s a beautiful morning. And I feel the dawn within me.

The sun is out.

So am I.

22 comments:

Neha said...

i love you JD...n now even more...

D said...

Dude...is it some kind of article in a magazine or is it you who have decided to bury the ghosts that perhaps hounded you? Whatever..,if it's a re-production of an article..good. If it's an admission...I respect you :)

jedi said...

d..thnx a ton for the comment. quoting ur term[:)], it was an admission i made in our college mag. a long overdue one, i feel.

Sundar said...

"At the very least, I wouldn’t have to grin and bear another homophobic joke, pretend to ignore yet another gay slur."
So true. Dude, you are brave, more brave and courageous than the homophobes can ever get. :-)
-Cheers, The Sun (In whose rays you bask! haha).

Lash said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lash said...

You know something? One's head gets better with age. because two years ago I wouldnt have taken this easily. Today I do.

The debate shouldnt be about who is gay and who is not? Instead, the debate should be about the debate itself. Do we need one?

How does it matter to me if somebody is gay? If he or she is, so be it. and to say that, "so be it" is not easy. It wasnt easy for me. Today, it is. I guess the phobics take a cue from me.

This is what i told you earlier. Head gets better with age.

Jedi, I am happy you put up this post. Dont ask me why, but I love it when people say 'alright cut it out, I am what I am. So you can fuck off'

Meanwhile i revamped my blog, and more importantly revamped my thoughts..indications are here.. :) You could check when you are free. It's crap 'as always', but this time around i have admitted it!

Cherubic Imp said...

you had struck me when u came out on me few years bak,i started respecting you for ur courage then...n i do respect you more now...!!!

Lash said...

"the sun is out. So am I!!"

why this hiatus then?? i am not sure if this 15 th i cmn make it.. anyway mail me the address of the place where you have this show nd all.. I am bored to death here.

Known Stranger said...

i thought i am the laziest one to blog . i have a company now

ram said...

JD the loveable as always! You've broken FREE and that is all that matters!I'M STILL STUCK IN THIS PLACE WITH MY FIRST WRITE-UP! LOL... HOPING TO IMPROVE.... HOW HAVE U BEEN?

Ram said...

JD the loveable as always! You've broken FREE and that is all that matters!I'M STILL STUCK IN THIS PLACE WITH MY FIRST WRITE-UP! LOL... HOPING TO IMPROVE.... HOW HAVE U BEEN?

Shriram said...

JD the loveable as always! You've broken FREE and that is all that matters!I'M STILL STUCK IN THIS PLACE WITH MY FIRST WRITE-UP! LOL... HOPING TO IMPROVE.... HOW HAVE U BEEN?

JLS said...

JD

its all bout the wood and the water...and nothing less and nothing more...

love,

shitwork said...

hey JD....
dont give me more reasons to respect you....
boss we play a lot of shit jokes with every breadth mockin every thin that ever deserved respect.
will i stop doin that now...never for sure. but hell cares there r jokes which ve have grown up without realizing what dey meant,& there r those few who have taken d joke as part of some distant smoke.
you wrote with purity, honesty and courage. there is no support from my side for any cause because it really doesnt matter to me. i have failed to categorize people on their preferences or for that matter whether they smoke or they dont. one thin though which u can take for granted is that u will have my respect as JD.....
i am straight n i can share the room with you.......

ray said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be wow.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘One Crazy World..!!’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,

Gomes said...

You have been tagged!

http://noughtscapes.blogspot.com/2008/08/of-cluter-beans-and-other-minutiae.html

Respondez vous, s'il vous plait.

G. Ch. said...

as I have always said JD, love ya. :) BTW, its been a long time since you read my blog dude !

Pinku said...

Hey!!!

lovely post....and you are a brave man.

I lived in a sad marriage for three years fearing to tell people about it because of the stigma...but then I finally did.

And though it raised many fingers it also liberated my soul.

In a very different way I have felt your sunshine.

God bless and good luck in life and love.

Gomes said...

Break your silence now or hold your peace forever. Really!!! Insulting blogosphere by keeping a defunct blog which has nothing more than a few entries. Write, fucker!!!

Telling you thru ur blog,in exasperation.

Anonymous said...

Hey,

I think some people really stand out from the rest. No matter what their sexual orientation and opinion of it - but to voice it with such amazing candor is an indelible feet. Bloody Brilliant.. Respect !!

Udayan Dhar said...

"I wouldn’t have to grin and bear another homophobic joke, pretend to ignore yet another gay slur..."

From my own personal experience, that truly means a lot! I now have no more qualms about telling a homophobe where he belongs.. and my straight friends love and respect me for that..

Lash said...

Sum up your 2 years i Mumbai and put that up as a post. Write something.